


A Most Pointless Argument

by quiet__tiger



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Drama, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 04:56:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10802202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quiet__tiger/pseuds/quiet__tiger
Summary: Some of Batman's Rogues get into a discussion.





	A Most Pointless Argument

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "Equality."
> 
> Originally posted to Livejournal 4th-Mar-2010.

Dinnertime at Arkham Asylum was desirable for the inmates because they were allowed out of their cells. The food certainly wasn’t a good enough incentive to look forward to the evening. It was also a time for the various criminals to chat with one another. It was potentially dangerous, sure, but keeping everyone in solitary wasn’t going to help any of the inmates heal.

Besides, for a bunch of doped up criminally insane lunatics, sometimes they came up with interesting topics of conversation. One security guard was listening to a table full of some of Batman’s most dangerous foes…

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Pamela Isley’s words were accompanied by a frown. “There’s no way that Batman fears you the most. I’ve been able to get under his costume and under his skin in more ways than you. I had that first Boy Wonder trapped so many times he was given a new nickname. Why ever would _you_ strike terror into the man’s heart?” 

Harvey Dent’s deformed side continued its empty wide-eyed sneer while the undamaged side scowled. “I used to be a highly respected public official, running Gotham, trying to clean it up. Every time he sees us, he’s reminded of his failures and the endless nature of his job. If he couldn’t save Harvey Dent, why and how should he even go on? I get him right upstairs.” He tapped his temple, twice on each side.

Jonathan Crane pushed aside his Salisbury Steak. “You all kid yourselves. Arousal, grief… Neither are more powerful than actual true _fear_. I’ve seen the Bat cower on the floor, body shaking as he imagines whatever it is that keeps him awake at night. Pain and loss and whatever else I can make him experience over and over.” His eyes narrowed in his narrow face. “There is no way that he considers either of you his greatest challenge.”

Isley waved her hand at the remark as if it were an annoying insect. “He’s obviously always gotten up from cowering on the floor. And how many ways exactly can you make him fear things? A new powder, whatever. Big deal. I can poison him, control his mind, control his body, tie him up or constrict him, and all with what I have growing in flowerboxes at home. Not to mention what’s inside me. And I know he craves it, or he wouldn’t make it so easy for me to get inside him.” She leaned forward with her elbows on the table. “He has to keep me close, or he’ll never catch up with what I have up my gardening glove. You he can mostly ignore.”

Crane rolled his eyes. “Like I can’t do those things. And do them to the whole city! Thousands of citizens paralyzed with their greatest phobias gigantic in their minds…” He sighed wistfully, making the guard who was watching the table nervous. How many deaths were the four people at the table responsible for?

“I’ve put Batman through some hell, too, you know.” Isley, Dent, and Crane looked over at Julian Day.

Dent said what everyone was no doubt thinking. “He probably doesn’t even remember you, Calendar Man. But keep me down for something in February next time you get out.”

The guard twitched. There was always a “next time” for escapes. No one could seem to hold these crazies in for long.

Then the biggest crazy of them all, flanked by two guards with stun guns, sauntered up to the table and dropped his tray onto it. Joker was finally out of solitary, where he was serving time for blinding a poor orderly. The details on the tool used were kept confidential, and frankly no one wanted to think about it anyway. Then again, it wasn’t good to let the imagination run loose—there wasn’t much left to take out of Joker’s cell before he’d have a blanket and nothing else, so what did he use?

Joker cracked his knuckles before digging in to his steak, but then he seemed to realize the argument going on around him. “Whatever is the topic of conversation? Usually you all don’t have your knickers in such a twist.” He leered at Isley. “Though I’d love to help you with yours.”

Giving him a glare to show her distaste, Isley explained, “We’re trying to decide which of us is Batman’s greatest challenge, which of us gets under his skin the most. We all get him in different ways.”

Joker stared. Then stared some more. The guard felt his hand creeping towards his weapon before his brain realized it was moving. But then the Joker let out one of those horrible, bone rattling howls of amusement that sent interns running down the hall away from his cell. “You? You think that any of you can get to him the way I do? Let me guess—Ivy with her little toxins and pollens, god forbid Batsy have to weed the garden! Crane with his phobias—please. Nothing is more frightening than the unknown, and I do believe I dish that out quite regularly!” Joker chuckled deeply before he gasped out, “And even if they’re terrified, they die laughing!”

Pointing at Dent with his plastic spoon, which was the only utensil Joker was allowed and even that was a newly restored privilege, Joker continued, “And the dutiful city employee that Batman couldn’t save, that Batman even helped create, always destined to see both sides of every issue more clearly than before he met a splash of acid! The Bat may pity you, may regret his actions, but you just don’t compare.” Joker shook his head, grinning to himself some more. “Such a tiny splash.”

Then he jabbed his spoon at Day. “Who the hell are you again? Why are you at our table? Never mind.” Sitting up straight before leaning over his elbows, one hand resting on the table and the other waving his spoon, Joker exclaimed, “No, ladies and germs. If you haven’t got the brains to figure out that myself and I are the Batman’s number one, then you shouldn’t even be here. You should have died a brainless thug working for one of us.”

He turned to everyone at the table one at a time, pointing with the spoon as he looked everyone in the eye. “Killed one Bird Boy. Shot Batgirl. I know him inside and out, moreso than anyone. And…” He drummed his unoccupied fingers on the table for suspense. “He knows nothing about me! My general MO, of course, the way he does any of us. But not my name, my goals, what I looked like before, if there’s anything in me worth saving, and if not why the _hell_ does he keep trying. _Nothing_.”

He leaned back and smirked. “He just knows that he has to keep trying. I go out there, and he has to keep putting me back. Otherwise he’ll never _learn_ , and is there anything out there that frustrates our beloved Bat more than not knowing something? He’s a detective, him and the boy in tights and the girl with the fists. They have to _know_ , and they’ll never know _me_. Knowledge is power, and the Batman has none. He just guesses and gets lucky. Wears a man down.”

Sighing, Joker loaded his spoon with more steak. “Must really eat at him, knowing that I’ll probably be the one to take him out, should I bring myself to do it. I’m so very fond of him. But I’d rather it be me than plant hormones or childhood nightmares or thugs working over the 2nd National Bank on February 2nd. Or whatever it is you do, mystery man. It’ll be me, and he knows it, and there’s nothing he can do about it.”

Joker looked at his steak, then burst into further gales of laughter. “Another lamb to the slaughter! Oh, Batsy.”

The guard watched as Joker devoured his steak as fast as he could, while the others at the table watched on dejectedly. Did any of them really think they could beat the Joker when it came to Batman’s nightmares and struggles? The guard didn’t know everything about Batman’s work, but enough to know that the Joker was the only villain to truly cause Batman harm in ways that couldn’t be slept on or washed off or ameliorated by time. Every one of these criminals was a pale second to Joker.

But what else was there to talk about with people with whom you have only one serious thing in common?

The guard tried not to shiver. Maybe he should request a transfer. Listening to conversations like this one every day couldn’t be good for _anyone’s_ sanity.


End file.
